I have
long admired your movies, especially the one about the weathergirl
when you murder your husband and have sex with a teenage admirer.
But please clear up two things: Did you ever have sex with your
ex-husband, Mr Tom Cruise? And do you still burn a candle for Ewan
McGregor, your co-star in that musical extravaganza, Moulin Rouge?
(The on-screen chemistry was there for all the world to see and once
I also saw you being interviewed with him on TV, when you couldn't
take your eyes off the dashing young Scotsman, a few feet away on the
sofa...)
But back
to Mr Cruise!
As
someone who has only a few months to live, I feel free to ask highly
personal questions, because I have nothing to lose. In fact, I will
ask anyone whatever I wish to because I am not scared of being sued
for defamation or libel, since no-one will be likely to pursue me
after death. Many people I have already written to over the last few
months, since I was given my terrible news, have gone out of their
way to give honest replies, even when my questions went beyond what
decent manners would suggest is appropriate. For example, Charlton
Heston has been very frank regarding his encounters with
Sophia Loren, perhaps because he also has nothing to lose. (Is Ms
Loren still alive, by the way? Perhaps you have seen her at one of
your Hollywood parties?)
Mr
Cruise strikes me as a rather odd individual. And I'm happy for your
sake that he is now out of your life (taking your adopted children
with him).
What I
have observed, from watching several of his films, is that he does
not seem to like women. Or children. In expressing “affection”
or “love,” he acts like a robot attempting to act like a human.
And even his performance as a“robot” isn't very convincing!
Perhaps
this is because he is a well-known Scientologist, with all his
responses to “human” encounters determined by electrical impulses
sent to his brain, which trigger a particular behaviour and programme
his future responses.
In Eyes
Wide Shut, made by the great Stanley Kubrick (whom my friend
Donald doesn't rate at all despite the fact that Spartacus was
one of his favourite movies until he found out the director was Kubrick), he
squeezes your breasts through your nightdress as if they are dumplings.
You wouldn't catch myself or any other hot-blooded gentleman treating your breasts like a couple of dumplings! (Size is not everything, either.)
But
anyway, what makes the movie so interesting now is that you and your
co-star were set up by Kubrick, I strongly believe, to expose just
how hollow your marriage was right from the start. The theory goes
that Kubrick had detected the absence of animal lust in your husband, at
least in his feelings for women, whereas in his other films, starting
with Top Gun, he clearly has more time for men. In Eyes
Wide Shut, the great director then exploits this weakness in your
marriage and the end result, as we all know, was a hasty divorce.
So was it just
a marriage of convenience? And did the Scientologists destroy it, as rumours have also suggested?
Many
years ago, one of my friends did a “Free Personality Test” at the
Scientology centre in Goodge Street in London. They told him that he
had a lot of “negative” feelings and that they could turn these
feelings into positives, by plugging him into some kind of electric
contraption. “But I have lots of negative feelings,” he told
them, “because I am responding to the state of the world as it is,
so instead of making me feel better, why don't you sort out the rest
of the world?”
I
suppose a sane reaction to insanity can look like madness. Do you
not sometimes think so?
Forgive
me if you think I am intruding on your privacy. You're
clearly very sensitive and also, despite all the people around you,
quite lonely. To be glamorous and sexy and one of the most
recognisable women on earth is not always enough to make men you
desire feel the same intense passion. You will probably see the
desirable Ewan MacGregor as someone who has settled down with someone
much less glamorous and sexy, and you not only envy his wife but the
fact he is happy in ways you can only imagine, despite the fact that you are now happily married in real life.
You said
he gave you “tingles” every time he sang Your Song. You
said that he was “beautiful.” Some people even suggest that the
dashing young Scotsman was the cause of your break-up with Tom...
In a
parallel universe, much like the one we inhabit today, you and Ewan
may be happily married and settled in Crieff (where he comes from),
with your family (two sons and daughters) around you. The highlight
of your year will be a visit to the Highlands and two weeks in a
white-washed self-catering cottage with an unobstructed view of the mountains of
Assynt on one side, and the islands which sit on the distant horizon
like musical notes, on the other...
Ewan is a teacher at the local Academy who once dreamed of being an actor and you are an artist who sells the occasional painting, to family and friends. But are you really happy? Do you secretly lust after danger and risk and adventure and being so scared that you like it, as if you are standing on top of a mountain and know you could die any second by deciding to jump off the edge? Do you think Tom Cruise is sexy even though he is shorter than you? Have you seen his latest movie, Eyes Wide Open, in which he very confidently shows off his animal passion and massages the pneumatic breasts of his co-star as if he is addicted to their loveliness? Do you think of him when Ewan makes love to you, night after night after night? Do you whisper his name at the moment of truth and hope Ewan has not heard the name of his fantasy rival?
I've
enjoyed your films. I'll miss them when I'm no longer here. And I
hope you don't have too many negative feelings, like my friend who did the free Personality Test, and that nothing I've
said has upset you.
The
world may not be perfect but to be alive is heaven (not where I am).
Best
wishes,
Ben
Nevis (deceased)
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