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Dear Mr
Clinton:
When you
became the President, a lot of folks believed another JFK or Lincoln had arrived
in the White House. You set out with noble ideals but you soon met
with quite a few policy problems – for example, the failure (with
the First Lady playing a prominent role) to introduce a national
health system much like our own here in Scotland.
But
everything went wrong for you (and your millions of fans round the
world) when you messed it all up in the trouser department. It must
have been embarrassing to have your sperm produced in court as
evidence. No man would be happy for his sexual peccadilloes to be
aired in a public arena, but what bothers me most is not actually how
the most powerful man in the world could be caught with his pants
down but your odd definition of “sexual relations.”
Sexuality
is never black and white but a spectrum which incorporates every
possible human (and sometimes inhuman) desire. But you have sworn
that oral sex is not sex! Are you kidding?
“I did
not have sex with that woman,” you declared at the hearing, referring to Ms Monica Lewinski, despite
the fact her dress was splashed with semen which subsequent DNA
testing confirmed could be nobody else's but yours – in fact,
according to official statistics, the odds against were one in 7.87
trillion. Monica once very kindly suggested that the stain
could be spinach (a dip) but it's highly unlikely that spinach and
sperm could be somehow confused in her mind, apart from the fact they
begin with the self-same two letters.
So
between you and me, Bill, it wasn't an accident, was it? You didn't
ejaculate out of the blue (on her pretty blue dress) as she happened to get in the way!
This is
not irrelevant, I venture to suggest. When it comes to government
policy (war, the economy, health, education, etc.), it is hard to
believe you are telling the truth when you have such a strange
definition of sexual relations. How can people trust you when you
say we should increase the level of taxes in order to balance the
budget when you don't think that having your cock sucked is having
real sex?
What if
someone asked about the Palestine problem? Interest rates? Climate
change? Nuclear weapons? The Balkans? Could we trust you to tell us the truth?
I'm
disappointed, Bill. But I am willing to change my opinion if you
will admit you are wrong about what really constitutes sexual
relations. More than most people, I am aware I am mortal and won't
live forever. So perhaps, if you share my perspective on matters
like this, you will finally tell us the truth?
In a
parallel universe, things would be totally different. I am in the
White House with a couple of friends (Rob and Stuart), and I have a
few drinks and I stay up all night, and I have a few more drinks, and
get a bit carried away, and I launch a few nuclear missiles, to see
what will happen, and the next day the world ends, apart from a few
billion cockroaches, spiders and sharks, who've seen it all before
and always somehow managed to survive...
Did you
ever feel tempted to give it a try? Did you want to know if Monica
loved you because of your body or because you had the power to
destroy the world (apart from a few billion cockroaches, spiders and
sharks) and declare the end of history forever and ever?
A lot of
people say they are addicted to sex as if that means they can't be
held responsible for any of their actions in the trouser department.
But I find that hard to believe.
Will you
tell me the truth, Bill? It's not much to ask, for a man who has
only a short time to live – unlike the cockroaches, spiders and
sharks which I referenced earlier on (twice).
Best
wishes,
Ben
Nevis (deceased)
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